A breeze

I've been doing really well with my diet. I've surprised myself. I haven't run out and bought 12 Hershey bars to calm the storm either. So woot woot on that!

I am still tired though which I attribute to lack of excitement in the job front and just lack of life I guess. Kind of hard when all your friends moved out of state and there's just you.

I am itching to cut my hair though. But I promised myself I would grow it out and when I cut it, send it to locks of love. But man is this hard!

Last week I received the quilt in the mail my cousin made for me out of my grandma's shirts. It's so nice to be wrapped up in the quilt and just feel my grandma you know? It's been six really long and hard years. Being able to see this every day and use it as, well, a kid would use a pacifier or a blankie, has truly helped. But I still miss her.

I have a short work day today, 4-9. Boo. I'm still not even sure I still want to do this, but with the economy the way it is, I am staying put until something better comes along. I had to pay bills last night and I cringed because I had *just* enough in my checking account. Not cool.

Hungry

I started a cleanse, it's a 30-day cleanse. Once a week you kind of fast, no food, nothing but the cleansing drink and water. If you do get hungry you can have fruit or a hard boiled egg. This is my first day on just the cleanse, I've done 3 days of the shakes replacing 2 meals. I like the shake days better. I do not like this cleanse day. I actually feel hungry which sucks.

I hate the idea that I have to do this. I hate that for the last few months I've been called fat by family members. I hate that they don't look in the mirror and see, hello, you're fat too. And that genetics are not in my favor. But, maybe I can get healthier, drop the weight, and get the hell outta dodge.

I wish our world wasn't so fixated on weight. How if a woman is heavy she is considered unattractive, lonely, single. But if a guy is heavy he can be a player, he's just "husky". Frak that people.

Oh well. I'm going to jump on my eliptical for 30 minutes while the rest of my family is downstairs having hamburgers and hot dogs. Then after awhile will have some fruit. Go to sleep so I can hurry up and have a shake in the am.

9/11

This year, on September 11, I am participating in Project 2,996.

Project 2,996 is an online initiative to get people to learn about, and remember, the victims of 9/11.

The project is in need of more bloggers willing to remember someone who died on 9/11. Please help us remember all 2,996 of those people. You can sign up here: http://project2996.wordpress.com/2009-signup/

The past that leads to life now

I've had a better life than most. I'm not complaining. I've always had food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Yet there have been a few times in my life where my heart just hurt, or my body worked against me.

When I was 10 years old I caught the flu. No problem right? Just throw up for a few days and you're okay. Well I wasn't. A week after the flu started and 2 trips to Children's Hospital, I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and just collapsed. My legs no longer supported me. I ended up back in the hospital where I was subsequently diagnosed with Guillian Barre Syndrome. It's explained there but the short version is, it's a neurological disorder that starts in your feet and works it's way up. Once it gets to your lungs, you have a good chance of dying. They were able to get it stopped before it reached the full strength in my lungs. I spent a month in the hospital, missed 6 months of school, and thankfully it has been in remission the last 17 years.

Unfortunately I have never fully recovered. I have weakened strength on my right side. I get migraines frequently. My right foot sticks out funny when I walk. And there is always the reminder this can come out of remission and strick again.

I lost a lot of friends and the chance to be a kid.

In 2003 when I was a junior in college tragedy struck my life again. My grandma passed away from leukemia. She was the one I always went to when times got tough. She was the one who was always in the corner. She was the one who always said she loved me. We would go see a movie and do dinner 2 times a week. Now I rarely go to the movies. I really don't want to go by myself. It's just not the same. My heart aches every day to have her back. I feel so alone without her.

In 2008 I was leaving work for lunch and I got into a car accident. The driver had a suspended license and spun me 180 degrees into oncoming traffic. I had to be cut out of my car with the jaws of life. I severely sprained/strained my back and was bruised beyond belief, but by some grace of God I didn't break any bones. If my air bag hadn't gone off, I would've died.

I learned quickly who I could count on because of this. Family called but that was because it would look bad if they didn't. I don't get along with anyone in my family. I spent weeks on the couch alone b/c my parents had to work. My job fired me b/c I couldn't work 8 hour days. I wasn't too upset because it was company that was full of crap and was running schemes. I was looking for a new job when this happened.

Now I work at a retail chain. I have to make ends meet. I'm trying to save money for a car. I hope in the next 18 months I can move out of my house and into an apartment or condo. Just be alone and be able to decorate and live.

I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes, I get down and get really hard on myself.

I know things would be different if my gram were still here. I know things would be different if I had friends I could count on. Sadly, almost all of my friends live in different states. So yeah, kind of lonely once and awhile.

I also wish my heart weren't so big and easily broken. I try to help everyone regardless of my status with them. I don't like to see people hurt, I don't like to see people stepped on. I am the warrior of the underdog. And if I could grant wishes, so many would have their wishes granted first. I hope that one day, and one day soon, we all will have what we need. But until then, I need a shoulder to lean on, and I'm the shoulder for others. But it has to go both ways for my heart not to get stomped on over and over again.

Evil thoughts and scary dreams

I'm doing that thing again where I eat my weight in candy to silence the pain and depression. I'm trying not to, but it's so hard. If I could just get off my butt, have more energy, perhaps, just perhaps, I could lose that weight I gained in the last 3 months from being so down.

I tend to avoid mirrors anymore. They just make me sad.

Of course having scary dreams does not help. I dreamt about the dead last night. Seriously. Dead people were in my dream, but not in the "they look the same as they did when they died." No they were decaying corpses. Scared the shit out of me. I talked to them, they talked to me, in my dream I wasn't afraid of them, but in waking life, I was terrified. What could it have meant?

After I woke up and drank a glass of water to rinse that dream away, i fell back asleep. I dreamt this time of people I was friends with in high school. People I haven't seen in ten years. I just don't get where my mind was going last night.

I think once my mother gets home and goes back to taking care of the old guy, and I'm back to ONE job, I'll be a little better. Until then, I take a deep breath and hope that tomorrow isn't as hard to get through as today. I'll watch my The Closer, and then fall into a sleep that I hope is dreamless.

Thinking and wondering

It's been a long few weeks. While I'm happy a career change is in the works, I can't help feeling that I am missing something. I feel very lost and I can't put a finger on it. It's starting to drive me crazy.

I'm trying very hard to save money, but things in life aren't free. I was used to getting a facial every month, waxing my eyebrows every two weeks, a hair cut and color every 5 weeks. For a period I even had my nails done. Now? None of that. I die my hair at home with Loreal Hair coloring, I just pluck my eyebrows (although I did go last week to get them waxed it had been 5 months), my aunt cuts my hair. And I paint my own nails. I miss the pampering I felt.

When I see people spending around me, going out, having a good time, etc., etc., I feel...jealous. I want to travel and go on vacation. I want to randomly do things at the drop of a hat.

I guess it's a good thing I'm trying to grow my hair out long so I can donate it to locks of love. You have to have 10 inches of hair to donate. Ugh. It's so hard, especially since my work is SO hot. I just want to chop it all off now! But i promised my gram I'd grow my hair out to donate it. When she had cancer she wouldn't let me cut my hair to support her getting bald from the chemo. So I'm doing this instead.

Tonight I hope to stay awake enough to make it through my tv show I like. Then I'm probably going to pass out. :)

First post on a quiet night

First post here. I've never had a public blog, which is probably a good thing. I'm hiding my name and such b/c I have really nosy and annoying family members.

I've been busy working but I still don't feel fulfilled. I feel like there is so much I could be doing with my life. Working a minimum wage job at 27 when I have a college degree is not where I saw my life ten years ago. I'm trying to lay out a plan but it just doesn't seem to be working. Every time I think I've made some headway something jumps out and rears it's ugly head.

I was musing through Facebook the other day and realized most people I went to high school with are married, have kids, have a baby on the way, or are in a great relationship. Me? Can't afford to move out of my parents house and haven't had a long term relationship since college. Life fail at that.

Speaking of Facebook I find it funny that there are people who never were my friend in high school, but request my friendship on that site. Are you kidding me? I don't go around friending every person from my high school because that is ridiculous. Why do you want to be my friend now? We haven't spoken in almost ten years! Then there are those I truly miss having in my life. We just drifted apart. Makes me sad.

Well this was kind of a weird first post, but like I said, it's a quiet night tonight. Maybe I should stop while I'm ahead.