The past that leads to life now

I've had a better life than most. I'm not complaining. I've always had food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Yet there have been a few times in my life where my heart just hurt, or my body worked against me.

When I was 10 years old I caught the flu. No problem right? Just throw up for a few days and you're okay. Well I wasn't. A week after the flu started and 2 trips to Children's Hospital, I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and just collapsed. My legs no longer supported me. I ended up back in the hospital where I was subsequently diagnosed with Guillian Barre Syndrome. It's explained there but the short version is, it's a neurological disorder that starts in your feet and works it's way up. Once it gets to your lungs, you have a good chance of dying. They were able to get it stopped before it reached the full strength in my lungs. I spent a month in the hospital, missed 6 months of school, and thankfully it has been in remission the last 17 years.

Unfortunately I have never fully recovered. I have weakened strength on my right side. I get migraines frequently. My right foot sticks out funny when I walk. And there is always the reminder this can come out of remission and strick again.

I lost a lot of friends and the chance to be a kid.

In 2003 when I was a junior in college tragedy struck my life again. My grandma passed away from leukemia. She was the one I always went to when times got tough. She was the one who was always in the corner. She was the one who always said she loved me. We would go see a movie and do dinner 2 times a week. Now I rarely go to the movies. I really don't want to go by myself. It's just not the same. My heart aches every day to have her back. I feel so alone without her.

In 2008 I was leaving work for lunch and I got into a car accident. The driver had a suspended license and spun me 180 degrees into oncoming traffic. I had to be cut out of my car with the jaws of life. I severely sprained/strained my back and was bruised beyond belief, but by some grace of God I didn't break any bones. If my air bag hadn't gone off, I would've died.

I learned quickly who I could count on because of this. Family called but that was because it would look bad if they didn't. I don't get along with anyone in my family. I spent weeks on the couch alone b/c my parents had to work. My job fired me b/c I couldn't work 8 hour days. I wasn't too upset because it was company that was full of crap and was running schemes. I was looking for a new job when this happened.

Now I work at a retail chain. I have to make ends meet. I'm trying to save money for a car. I hope in the next 18 months I can move out of my house and into an apartment or condo. Just be alone and be able to decorate and live.

I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes, I get down and get really hard on myself.

I know things would be different if my gram were still here. I know things would be different if I had friends I could count on. Sadly, almost all of my friends live in different states. So yeah, kind of lonely once and awhile.

I also wish my heart weren't so big and easily broken. I try to help everyone regardless of my status with them. I don't like to see people hurt, I don't like to see people stepped on. I am the warrior of the underdog. And if I could grant wishes, so many would have their wishes granted first. I hope that one day, and one day soon, we all will have what we need. But until then, I need a shoulder to lean on, and I'm the shoulder for others. But it has to go both ways for my heart not to get stomped on over and over again.