Remember to breathe

Today I found myself lonely. There are a few movies out there and I have no one to see them with. I found myself missing my gram. I found myself wishing I had a few close friends here to just hang out with. I don't do the bar scene but a nice dinner would be something.

I feel stuck, like I'm still a little kid. I'm 27 and have nothing to show for my life. I truly did not think I would be here. Not here, not now. I figured myself married, maybe a kid on the way.

Those closest to me are in other states. So I sit. I read. I breathe.

Sometimes I forget to live. I think I'm in the past too much. But I can't focus on the future because it's just too uncertain. Where do I turn to then? How can I do this?

My biggest fear is one day I will wake up, be in my 40s and wonder where I went wrong. I don't want that.

For now I will read. And try to remember to breathe.

9/11 Remember Francis J Sadocha

September 11, 2001 changed not just the country of USA but all around the world. For a moment we all grieved together, we were shocked together, and we hurt together. It doesn't matter how much time passes, when the mention of 9/11 comes, a heavy heart is felt by many.

Francis J "Frank" Sadocha was only 41 years old. He was the manager of the food services division of Cantor Fitzgerald when the towers were hit. He was currently training people to take over for him as manager, because he was weeks away from his dream.

Frank wanted to open his own restaurant on Long Island. Besides his job in the city, he also catered for a local temple on the weekends and sometimes weeknights. His life was surrounded by his cooking, his beloved wife, and his two adorable daughters.

It didn't matter how busy Frank was, he always made the time to be "dad". When he passed his daughters were 5 and 4. Just a few weeks before 9/11 he signed his girls up for soccer. The older girl, Ashley, didn't want to play because she thought she wasn't any good. Frank took her outside and worked with her, boosting her confidence. He worked with her all weekend and by the end of the weekend Ashley was excited for soccer. Her daddy said she was good.

A man close to his dream, a man who loved his family. Like the many others, Frank was taken away too soon. Yet his legacy lives on in his girls.

Why?

Today was a long day at work, and usually as I drive home late at night in the dark, and I'm tired, I try to sing along to a cd. Tonight I just thought.

I believe there is a God and a Heaven and Hell. I believe in angels and all that. After my accident one year ago today, when i could've been killed, should've been killed, I survived with no serious injury. That is not just luck.

But I wonder.

Why would a God cause pain? Why would he take the best person in my life, my gram, and give her leukemia to battle for 9 months? Why would he take her this way, when she was as church going and bible studying as any?

Why would he make me miss her more and more as time went on, instead of less? Why does he make me remember they exact day she told me she had cancer (July 4) the last time I spoke to her (March 25) or the day she died (March 27?) Why does he have my heart hurt so much?

Why would God take from those that don't deserve it? Why would he take little Maddie away? She was an infant, so beautiful and bright-eyed. Why? Why cause her parents that pain? They didn't do anything. Maddie certainly didn't do anything. What was the plan there?

Why would he take 2 of my brother's friends in less than a month? Why would he cause my brother to hurt so bad?

I just don't understand and I think that is what frustrates me the most. Why pain and suffering to the good people? People who don't deserve it? I just don't know.