Evil thoughts and scary dreams

I'm doing that thing again where I eat my weight in candy to silence the pain and depression. I'm trying not to, but it's so hard. If I could just get off my butt, have more energy, perhaps, just perhaps, I could lose that weight I gained in the last 3 months from being so down.

I tend to avoid mirrors anymore. They just make me sad.

Of course having scary dreams does not help. I dreamt about the dead last night. Seriously. Dead people were in my dream, but not in the "they look the same as they did when they died." No they were decaying corpses. Scared the shit out of me. I talked to them, they talked to me, in my dream I wasn't afraid of them, but in waking life, I was terrified. What could it have meant?

After I woke up and drank a glass of water to rinse that dream away, i fell back asleep. I dreamt this time of people I was friends with in high school. People I haven't seen in ten years. I just don't get where my mind was going last night.

I think once my mother gets home and goes back to taking care of the old guy, and I'm back to ONE job, I'll be a little better. Until then, I take a deep breath and hope that tomorrow isn't as hard to get through as today. I'll watch my The Closer, and then fall into a sleep that I hope is dreamless.

Thinking and wondering

It's been a long few weeks. While I'm happy a career change is in the works, I can't help feeling that I am missing something. I feel very lost and I can't put a finger on it. It's starting to drive me crazy.

I'm trying very hard to save money, but things in life aren't free. I was used to getting a facial every month, waxing my eyebrows every two weeks, a hair cut and color every 5 weeks. For a period I even had my nails done. Now? None of that. I die my hair at home with Loreal Hair coloring, I just pluck my eyebrows (although I did go last week to get them waxed it had been 5 months), my aunt cuts my hair. And I paint my own nails. I miss the pampering I felt.

When I see people spending around me, going out, having a good time, etc., etc., I feel...jealous. I want to travel and go on vacation. I want to randomly do things at the drop of a hat.

I guess it's a good thing I'm trying to grow my hair out long so I can donate it to locks of love. You have to have 10 inches of hair to donate. Ugh. It's so hard, especially since my work is SO hot. I just want to chop it all off now! But i promised my gram I'd grow my hair out to donate it. When she had cancer she wouldn't let me cut my hair to support her getting bald from the chemo. So I'm doing this instead.

Tonight I hope to stay awake enough to make it through my tv show I like. Then I'm probably going to pass out. :)

First post on a quiet night

First post here. I've never had a public blog, which is probably a good thing. I'm hiding my name and such b/c I have really nosy and annoying family members.

I've been busy working but I still don't feel fulfilled. I feel like there is so much I could be doing with my life. Working a minimum wage job at 27 when I have a college degree is not where I saw my life ten years ago. I'm trying to lay out a plan but it just doesn't seem to be working. Every time I think I've made some headway something jumps out and rears it's ugly head.

I was musing through Facebook the other day and realized most people I went to high school with are married, have kids, have a baby on the way, or are in a great relationship. Me? Can't afford to move out of my parents house and haven't had a long term relationship since college. Life fail at that.

Speaking of Facebook I find it funny that there are people who never were my friend in high school, but request my friendship on that site. Are you kidding me? I don't go around friending every person from my high school because that is ridiculous. Why do you want to be my friend now? We haven't spoken in almost ten years! Then there are those I truly miss having in my life. We just drifted apart. Makes me sad.

Well this was kind of a weird first post, but like I said, it's a quiet night tonight. Maybe I should stop while I'm ahead.