Remember to breathe

Today I found myself lonely. There are a few movies out there and I have no one to see them with. I found myself missing my gram. I found myself wishing I had a few close friends here to just hang out with. I don't do the bar scene but a nice dinner would be something.

I feel stuck, like I'm still a little kid. I'm 27 and have nothing to show for my life. I truly did not think I would be here. Not here, not now. I figured myself married, maybe a kid on the way.

Those closest to me are in other states. So I sit. I read. I breathe.

Sometimes I forget to live. I think I'm in the past too much. But I can't focus on the future because it's just too uncertain. Where do I turn to then? How can I do this?

My biggest fear is one day I will wake up, be in my 40s and wonder where I went wrong. I don't want that.

For now I will read. And try to remember to breathe.

9/11 Remember Francis J Sadocha

September 11, 2001 changed not just the country of USA but all around the world. For a moment we all grieved together, we were shocked together, and we hurt together. It doesn't matter how much time passes, when the mention of 9/11 comes, a heavy heart is felt by many.

Francis J "Frank" Sadocha was only 41 years old. He was the manager of the food services division of Cantor Fitzgerald when the towers were hit. He was currently training people to take over for him as manager, because he was weeks away from his dream.

Frank wanted to open his own restaurant on Long Island. Besides his job in the city, he also catered for a local temple on the weekends and sometimes weeknights. His life was surrounded by his cooking, his beloved wife, and his two adorable daughters.

It didn't matter how busy Frank was, he always made the time to be "dad". When he passed his daughters were 5 and 4. Just a few weeks before 9/11 he signed his girls up for soccer. The older girl, Ashley, didn't want to play because she thought she wasn't any good. Frank took her outside and worked with her, boosting her confidence. He worked with her all weekend and by the end of the weekend Ashley was excited for soccer. Her daddy said she was good.

A man close to his dream, a man who loved his family. Like the many others, Frank was taken away too soon. Yet his legacy lives on in his girls.

Why?

Today was a long day at work, and usually as I drive home late at night in the dark, and I'm tired, I try to sing along to a cd. Tonight I just thought.

I believe there is a God and a Heaven and Hell. I believe in angels and all that. After my accident one year ago today, when i could've been killed, should've been killed, I survived with no serious injury. That is not just luck.

But I wonder.

Why would a God cause pain? Why would he take the best person in my life, my gram, and give her leukemia to battle for 9 months? Why would he take her this way, when she was as church going and bible studying as any?

Why would he make me miss her more and more as time went on, instead of less? Why does he make me remember they exact day she told me she had cancer (July 4) the last time I spoke to her (March 25) or the day she died (March 27?) Why does he have my heart hurt so much?

Why would God take from those that don't deserve it? Why would he take little Maddie away? She was an infant, so beautiful and bright-eyed. Why? Why cause her parents that pain? They didn't do anything. Maddie certainly didn't do anything. What was the plan there?

Why would he take 2 of my brother's friends in less than a month? Why would he cause my brother to hurt so bad?

I just don't understand and I think that is what frustrates me the most. Why pain and suffering to the good people? People who don't deserve it? I just don't know.

A breeze

I've been doing really well with my diet. I've surprised myself. I haven't run out and bought 12 Hershey bars to calm the storm either. So woot woot on that!

I am still tired though which I attribute to lack of excitement in the job front and just lack of life I guess. Kind of hard when all your friends moved out of state and there's just you.

I am itching to cut my hair though. But I promised myself I would grow it out and when I cut it, send it to locks of love. But man is this hard!

Last week I received the quilt in the mail my cousin made for me out of my grandma's shirts. It's so nice to be wrapped up in the quilt and just feel my grandma you know? It's been six really long and hard years. Being able to see this every day and use it as, well, a kid would use a pacifier or a blankie, has truly helped. But I still miss her.

I have a short work day today, 4-9. Boo. I'm still not even sure I still want to do this, but with the economy the way it is, I am staying put until something better comes along. I had to pay bills last night and I cringed because I had *just* enough in my checking account. Not cool.

Hungry

I started a cleanse, it's a 30-day cleanse. Once a week you kind of fast, no food, nothing but the cleansing drink and water. If you do get hungry you can have fruit or a hard boiled egg. This is my first day on just the cleanse, I've done 3 days of the shakes replacing 2 meals. I like the shake days better. I do not like this cleanse day. I actually feel hungry which sucks.

I hate the idea that I have to do this. I hate that for the last few months I've been called fat by family members. I hate that they don't look in the mirror and see, hello, you're fat too. And that genetics are not in my favor. But, maybe I can get healthier, drop the weight, and get the hell outta dodge.

I wish our world wasn't so fixated on weight. How if a woman is heavy she is considered unattractive, lonely, single. But if a guy is heavy he can be a player, he's just "husky". Frak that people.

Oh well. I'm going to jump on my eliptical for 30 minutes while the rest of my family is downstairs having hamburgers and hot dogs. Then after awhile will have some fruit. Go to sleep so I can hurry up and have a shake in the am.

9/11

This year, on September 11, I am participating in Project 2,996.

Project 2,996 is an online initiative to get people to learn about, and remember, the victims of 9/11.

The project is in need of more bloggers willing to remember someone who died on 9/11. Please help us remember all 2,996 of those people. You can sign up here: http://project2996.wordpress.com/2009-signup/

The past that leads to life now

I've had a better life than most. I'm not complaining. I've always had food in my tummy, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Yet there have been a few times in my life where my heart just hurt, or my body worked against me.

When I was 10 years old I caught the flu. No problem right? Just throw up for a few days and you're okay. Well I wasn't. A week after the flu started and 2 trips to Children's Hospital, I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and just collapsed. My legs no longer supported me. I ended up back in the hospital where I was subsequently diagnosed with Guillian Barre Syndrome. It's explained there but the short version is, it's a neurological disorder that starts in your feet and works it's way up. Once it gets to your lungs, you have a good chance of dying. They were able to get it stopped before it reached the full strength in my lungs. I spent a month in the hospital, missed 6 months of school, and thankfully it has been in remission the last 17 years.

Unfortunately I have never fully recovered. I have weakened strength on my right side. I get migraines frequently. My right foot sticks out funny when I walk. And there is always the reminder this can come out of remission and strick again.

I lost a lot of friends and the chance to be a kid.

In 2003 when I was a junior in college tragedy struck my life again. My grandma passed away from leukemia. She was the one I always went to when times got tough. She was the one who was always in the corner. She was the one who always said she loved me. We would go see a movie and do dinner 2 times a week. Now I rarely go to the movies. I really don't want to go by myself. It's just not the same. My heart aches every day to have her back. I feel so alone without her.

In 2008 I was leaving work for lunch and I got into a car accident. The driver had a suspended license and spun me 180 degrees into oncoming traffic. I had to be cut out of my car with the jaws of life. I severely sprained/strained my back and was bruised beyond belief, but by some grace of God I didn't break any bones. If my air bag hadn't gone off, I would've died.

I learned quickly who I could count on because of this. Family called but that was because it would look bad if they didn't. I don't get along with anyone in my family. I spent weeks on the couch alone b/c my parents had to work. My job fired me b/c I couldn't work 8 hour days. I wasn't too upset because it was company that was full of crap and was running schemes. I was looking for a new job when this happened.

Now I work at a retail chain. I have to make ends meet. I'm trying to save money for a car. I hope in the next 18 months I can move out of my house and into an apartment or condo. Just be alone and be able to decorate and live.

I'm trying to be positive, but sometimes, I get down and get really hard on myself.

I know things would be different if my gram were still here. I know things would be different if I had friends I could count on. Sadly, almost all of my friends live in different states. So yeah, kind of lonely once and awhile.

I also wish my heart weren't so big and easily broken. I try to help everyone regardless of my status with them. I don't like to see people hurt, I don't like to see people stepped on. I am the warrior of the underdog. And if I could grant wishes, so many would have their wishes granted first. I hope that one day, and one day soon, we all will have what we need. But until then, I need a shoulder to lean on, and I'm the shoulder for others. But it has to go both ways for my heart not to get stomped on over and over again.